Victory!

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”   James 1:2-4

I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that God might not be done with me quite yet.

I’ve often heard, and I believe, that if you profess to be a Christian and you are humming through this life without trials – well you might want to take a spiritual inventory and see if you are what you claim to be. Or put another way, the devil doesn’t waste his time going after those whom he doesn’t deem a threat to his master plan.

Now I certainly don’t claim to be a model Christian. I hold myself up to those who I feel are great Christian stalwarts and find myself embarrassingly lacking in comparison. Having said that, the enemy has obviously seen it fit to come after me. And man, he ain’t messing around! Take the previous 6 months or so:

• Tore the meniscus in my knee in an apparent freak accident stepping off my front porch
• Shortly after recovering from knee surgery, I begin feeling “not well”
• Trip to the walk-in clinic reveals a swollen lymph node
• Lymph node ultrasound eventually leads to cancer diagnosis
• 3 months of stressful uncertainty and physical deterioration ensue as we wait for final diagnosis
• finally get diagnosis and end up having pretty invasive surgery to remove thyroid gland, 20 surrounding lymph nodes, and a tumor the size of an orange from my chest

And you know what? God has seen to it that I received the best possible care and by His mercy and grace, I can confidently say that I AM WELL!! Physically AND spiritually WELL! I give God alone all the glory for all He has accomplished for me and my family!! VICTORY!!!

And boy, the devil is apparently REALLY hacked off! You see, he didn’t count on the fact that I would have literally HUNDREDS of people from literally all over the world lifting me and my family up in prayer. There is not a more powerful force on earth than the intercession of God’s prayer warriors!! And since the enemy has obviously failed at taking me down physically, he has deemed it necessary to come after us financially. We have just found out that we have to replace our entire aging HVAC system, as well as our hail-damaged roof, gutters and siding. Really?? All of this while I’m recovering from cancer surgery? What a freaking coward the enemy truly is!! Does he not realize that once again, he will fail in bringing me down and that God will – once again – get the Glory???

You see, I know why I’m under attack. Last summer, I made a conscious decision to rededicate myself to doing what God put me on this earth to do: make music for His honor and glory. Since leaving the music business back in 2010, I’ve been working away in my new career as a healthcare IT professional, occasionally dabbling in music projects off and on. It had been actually quite wonderful once I made the transition, not having to rely on music to make a living and support my family. It was fun again. But last year, I felt the Lord planting new seeds of creativity in my heart. And as soon as I began making a move to start working on new music in earnest, well let’s just say that the enemy certainly didn’t want to see that happen.

But unfortunately for him, I am not deterred. In fact, I feel quite invigorated! It’s safe to say at this point that if his plan was to take me down and destroy my will, it has backfired! I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know what God wants for me today. And today is all I’m going to concentrate on.

I will continue to blog from time to time. I believe I have a journey worthy of sharing, if for no other reason than to encourage others. I also have a musical journey in the making that I know people will find uplifting. And I certainly relish the idea of putting the devil’s defeat on public display for all to behold! So please continue on with me through this labyrinth of life and partner with me as we all “fight the good fight”!

Until next time….

I Am Blessed!

I am so naive. No, seriously. I was more than a little taken aback when the oncologist at Vanderbilt said that since we’re dealing with a thyroid cancer, we’re proceeding with the standard of care for thyroid cancer: surgery.

SURGERY!!

CRAP! (well, I was likely thinking more colorful words…)

I actually had it in my mind that we were going to nuke this thing and be done with it. I don’t know how I came up with this assumption, but somehow that’s where my headspace was at the time. That somehow I was going to be that special case, I guess, that wasn’t going to need anymore slicing and dicing and was going to magically just sail through a round of radiation and go on my merry way. Yeah, pretty naive, right?

Oh, and to top it off, as soon as she said “surgery” I – for some reason I don’t know – immediately began assuming a small incision in the neck (again) to take out the thyroid and be done. Nope, not quite…

After meeting with the actual head & neck surgeon a few days later, we got the juicy details. Thyroid is coming out, along with about 15 or so lymph nodes in the neck, and the mass in my chest – which by this time has not grown to almost 5cm. 8-10 hours and two surgeons. But to be completely honest, at this point I would literally jump off of a cliff and drink battery acid if they said that’s what was required to beat this thing. Thankfully, I’m having surgery instead. #creatingmyownperspective

As I’m writing this, the surgery is three days away. I’m swimming in mixed emotions, as one can imagine. Dreading surgery, of course, but so happy that we are finally taking action. But even through the anxiety of anticipation, I am at peace. I have been bathed in prayer from literally hundreds of people during this journey. I can honestly say that I have felt those prayers and continue to do so. Sure, there are more challenging days ahead – recovery, radiation, years of labs and scans. But I have been surrounded by the love of family, friends, and the prayers of true spiritual warriors. So I’ve definitely got the deck stacked in my favor! I’ve even received Facebook messages from people from around the world I don’t even know who’ve followed my music career and heard about my situation and reached out to offer their prayers and support! It has truly been an amazing, humbling experience that has enriched my life.

I hate cancer. And I believe God hates cancer, too. But I know, beyond all doubt, that He loves me! Why did this happen, what caused it? These are questions I’m not remotely interested in having answered. I’m not even sure they can be. I only know that this journey had brought me closer to God, closer to my family and loved ones, and helped put everything back in its proper perspective. And at the end of the day, that makes it all worth it and then some!

I am truly a blessed man!

 

 

November 16, 2016

The biopsy surgery was finally behind me. I knew they had removed a small cancerous area from my thyroid, and I was looking forward to getting healed up and on with my life. On this date, November 16, 2016, I had my first meeting with my new oncologist, a physician I had gotten to know somewhat over the last three years since he was a referring physician at the hospital for which I worked, and was located right across the street. I can honestly say I had no idea what to expect, other than he would in one way or another confirm that they did indeed remove a cancerous section of my thyroid – oh, and take a whole lot of blood for testing… like 16 vials!

Well after the bloodletting was over, the nice young physician assistant was sent in to give us a quick overview of the status on everything. (Apparently, she was also sent in to soften the blow…) The long and the short of it was that the pathologist could only confirm that the tissue was indeed cancerous, but at this point it appeared that it was not thyroid cancer as the tissue contained mucous, and the thyroid was not a mucous-creating organ. Which could only mean that it had likely come from somewhere else, in other words metastasized. I didn’t know a lot about cancer, but I knew that this was not likely very good news. 5 minutes later, the oncologist came in and sat down and got right to business.

“Well sir, this doesn’t look good.”

My heart just sank.

I looked over at my wife and she had the famous “It’s all going to be okay. God’s got this” peaceful grin on her face. I did not.

He gave us some more information – most of which I can’t remember verbatim, but my wife of course wrote everything down and was tuned in to every word. I think I was still in a little bit of shock. The doctor left the room, and Diana – knowing exactly what to say as usual – looked over at me and simply said “breathe baby”.

It is difficult putting into words exactly what was going through my mind. The emotions I felt were pouring in like a title wave. It wasn’t fear. That would come a little later. It wasn’t anger. That famous red-headed trait would be spared me by God’s grace alone. I think the best way I could put it is this: A very strange and overwhelming mix of sadness, disappointment, and guilt.

“How did I get here?”

“What did I do to cause this to happen?”

“Why didn’t I take better care of myself?”

“What about all of our plans together?”

“How do we possibly tell the kids?”

These, and other questions, were all just racing through my head on continuous repeat – over, and over, and over, and over…. By the end of the visit, we were scheduling a PET scan and future visits with the doctor, and then we were finally headed home for the day – with a new reality to deal with, and far more questions than answers. But by the time we even got out of the parking lot, I felt a peace about everything. Yes, I had no idea why things had transpired the way they had, why our lives were seemingly and suddenly placed on hold. But deep down I knew this, that God is a faithful God, and that He loves us and His promises are steadfast and true – that He will be faithful to complete the good work He has started in ALL of us for whom He calls his children. And I am a child of God!!

To fast forward a little bit, we had the PET/CT scan about a week later, which revealed not only residual post-surgical activity from the biopsy, but also a mass in my chest about the size of a golfball located next to the trachea, a few inches below where the original node was in my neck. It also showed some indeterminate hyper-metabolic activity in the colon. I promptly had a colonoscopy performed a few days later which, thankfully, was negative with no findings at all. By this time, it was also revealed that several pathologists, including a couple at Vanderbilt, had looked at my original tissue sample at at this point could not identify exactly what kind of cancer we were dealing with. Again, more questions, followed by more tests which were also inconclusive.

Finally, after further study, the fine folks at Vanderbilt arrived at a working diagnosis that pointed back at the thyroid. It’s quite a mouthful:

Poorly differentiated, insular non-pappilary thyroid carcinoma.

Given that the mass in my chest had not been biopsied, and did not light up when we had an iodine radiation scan performed, we are still to this day not yet sure if it is indeed thyroid cancer that has metastasized from the thyroid. But after careful consideration by my oncologist, it was decided that we would escalate the case to the Ingram Cancer Center at Vanderbilt and get their opinion on how to proceed. So finally, after 3 months of test, scans, labs – all inconclusive up to this point – maybe we finally had some answers as well as a plan…

 

 

 

 

 

We gingers just simply don’t do “normal”

So yeah, biopsy. Not a lot of positive connotations associated with this word.

It certainly seems like we were fast-tracking this whole ordeal. In a matter of a couple of weeks or so, I had gone from probable infection in a lymph node to two ultrasounds, a CT scan, and now a biopsy. I met with one of the most experienced surgeons that worked in the hospital at which I’m employed. He explained that it’s a pretty straight forward procedure – a needle-guided biopsy that would go straight into the lymph node, pull out some tissue, and then get it tested by the pathologist.

I am henceforth removing the term “straight forward” from my vocabulary entirely!

We got everything setup with the radiology department. I arrived and got prepped for the procedure, and the technician performed another ultrasound at the radiologist’s request to get one last look at what we were going be aiming at. Ah… but not so fast. In walks the radiologist who proceeds to tell me that he has had a change of heart after looking at the ultrasound. Apparently, this node is in such a position that to do a needle biopsy would require going through a rib and then through the top of the right lung – something he was not comfortable doing without consulting the surgeon since there were several things that might go wrong, like a collapsed lung for instance. That would be a real drag! So the surgeon decides to opt for a mulligan. We’re going to surgically remove the node and get it biopsied. I was actually quite relieved as trying to get needle through all that mess was sounding less and less appealing anyway.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit I’m a bit of a big baby when it comes to pain. You’re probably saying to yourself “Well, duh! Who isn’t?” Well, you may or may not know that we redheads are quite the special breed. (And apparently a dying one according to genetic scientists, but that’s a whole different article for a different time.) Research has shown that due to the recessive nature of many of the genetic mutations that result in blue-eyed redheads like myself, there also comes with it certain resistances to things like pain medications and anesthesias – not too mention a tendency to be spitfires, hotheads, extroverts, and all-around pain-in-the-rearends. (If you don’t believe me, just ask my parents, siblings and most of my childhood teachers. They will totally back this up!) Nonetheless, surgery it is. Gotta get this thing checked out, and hopefully everything will check out just fine.

If only…

So the day arrives, my wife, Diana, and my parents are there for support. Everything is a go. Now, let me pause for just a second to just state for the record… The closest thing I’d had to major surgery up to this point was a minor knee repair last summer. This whole deep-sleep anesthesia was not something I had experienced before. So after all the prep is done, I’m wheeled back and they begin. Whilst under said anesthesia, the surgeon has carefully removed the lymph node in question, and once removed he discovers an obvious cancerous lesion on the right lobe of my thyroid, so he proceeds to remove that as well and send it immediately to get a pathology. While I’m being tended to, he has gone into the recovery room to explain to my wife and parents why the procedure has now taken three times longer than predicted, and that he had indeed found and removed the cancer found during the biopsy. Apparently as I was coming around from the anesthesia, I was also informed of this, but I couldn’t tell you that from memory that’s for sure!

The surgeon asked me if I felt like I needed to stay the night or go on home to recover. I told him I would prefer to go home, but I would do whatever he felt was best. He trusted my judgement. I said, “HE TRUSTED MY JUDGEMENT”! I don’t think anyone has every trusted my judgement, why now??? But home I went. Remember me mentioning this being my first major surgery? Well… apparently there is a relatively common reaction to deep anesthesia. Violent projectile vomiting. Yeah… now you’re probably regretting having committed to reading this blog, right? Well, it’s a thing, and boy is it violent. It started about 15 minutes into the car ride home (it’s about an hour-long drive) and continued through the night on about an hourly basis. Oh, and did you know that it actually doesn’t even matter if you have anything in your stomach or not??? Neither did I! On top of that, ginger ale – often thought of as a drink that settles the stomach – doesn’t work in this scenario – AT ALL!  Another thing I didn’t know… violent vomiting can also cause blood vessels in your eyes to burst. I found this out the following morning after looking in the bathroom mirror and thinking something was really, REALLY wrong! (Needless to say, I have sense made it a point that to have Phenergan added to all future surgery regiments!!!) It was also at this moment that I realized that what was originally going to be a small 2″ incision – wasn’t!

Good Lord, what had I gotten myself into?

I know, I’ve made all of this sound just horrible. Well, it wasn’t pleasant, that’s for sure. BUT, I want to be sure to mention that the care I had received up to this point, and since, had been fantastic! I wouldn’t change anything (well maybe the addition of anti-nausea medication). I have been surrounded by skilled and caring nurses, technicians, and providers – not too mention constantly lifted up by the prayers of family, friends, and loved ones. And I continue to do so…

So, lymph node out. Cancer, out. Tests result forthcoming, and a new reality had started to finally settle in. I was now a cancer patient. At this point, I’m not sure what I’ve got, how long I’ve had it, or what lies ahead. But I’m thinking let’s get the path report back, and hope that this cancer is as “normal” as cancer can be, and I can get it treated and on with life…

*SIGH*

But alas, as I said at the onset of this blog entry, we gingers just simply don’t do “normal”…

 

Holy Crap, Surely I’m Not This Out Of Shape!

Yeah, that’s pretty much what was going through my brain when this whole thing started.

Ok, maybe a little background and vital stats would be a better start, so (sigh) here ya go:

Age:  46

Height: 5’10”

Weight: Nunyadambidness. (Let’s just say that I’m pretty sure your age and your BMI are not supposed to be the same number – or put another way, were I 6’5″ this weight would be working muuuuuch better for me, but I digress…)

Other health issues that are somewhat integral to this story: Type II diabetes for 20 years, and a torn meniscus repair in my left knee in July of 2016.

I think that’s probably enough personal info for one sitting. With that out of the way, let me just state for the record that there is a moral to this story, at least this chapter anyway. We’ll get to that a little later.

So yeah, had the knee fixed back during the summer. It was relatively minor, but man did it slow me down. After being down for a couple of weeks or so, I got back into my routine at home and work and thought I was probably headed in a good direction with the hopes of getting in shape, losing some weight, making new music, etc.

Only, I never really got off the ground with any of it. I thought maybe I was a little depressed. I certainly wasn’t lazy – ain’t got no time for that! But I certainly didn’t have any drive to do much. Actually, to do ANYTHING. I was feeling lethargic, a little fatigued, and mentally just kinda numb. I could tell my wife was getting pretty annoyed with me (lord knows, I’ve always given her plenty of reasons for that). This went on for a couple of months, and finally I just decided to try and just get moving. I thought surely a little exercise was going to get the blood flowing a little bit, maybe get myself started on a different path. I mean, I wasn’t that old, right?

So on a beautiful warm sunny October sunny Saturday, I decided I would go out and do some yard work. Maybe get the raised gardens cleaned out for Winter, and rake up the leaves. And it all started out so well that day… until about 10 minutes into the leaf raking. Yes, I said 10 MINUTES!! And I honestly thought I was going to just keel over and pass out from exhaustion! It was then that I just kept thinking “Holy crap! Surely I’m not this out of shape!” I mean, I was no marathon runner. (OK, I was good for about 2 trips walking around the neighborhood on a really good day, but still…) So I figured I had to be coming down with something. I mean, I work at a hospital and my wife works at a school, so there’s no telling what I’d been exposed to. I thought I’d just see if I felt better in a day or two and go from there.

Monday came. And I couldn’t even get out of bed. You know that all-over body ache you sometime get with the flu? Yeah, that’s the pain I was in, times about 10! So I called out sick from work, and got myself to the Vanderbilt walk-in clinic here in town hoping to get some kind of really strong antibiotic and maybe a steroid to get whatever this was under control. As is often the case with these clinics, I finally got called back and after getting the vital stats of shame (see above), and waited a little while before a very nice YOUNG physician’s assistant came in to see what was going on. I told her how crappy I was feeling, not really able to pinpoint a certain spot, just this overall body ache and that I have been feeling pretty tired and fatigued for a little while. That was pretty much it. She then started asking me some questions that in my mind really had nothing whatsoever to do with what I had just told her was going on. She finally said “I’m going to feel around on a couple of spots if that’s ok with you.” Sure, whatever you think. So, without skipping a beat, she went right for a small area in my lower neck right above my collar bone, and I almost jumped off the table! “So how long has that been sore, Mr. Willis?” “About 4 or 5 seconds!! I had NO IDEA that I was sore at that spot!” And with that, she was off to the races.

And boy am I glad.

She proceeded to poke and prod different areas around my neck and throat, and she very calmly pointed out that it looked like I had a pretty nasty infection in that lymph node where the tenderness was, but to be sure it would be a good idea to get an ultrasound just to make sure. I said that’d be just fine. I already had the whole day off, so I had time to do it. Later that day, with the ultrasound out of the way, she actually called me within a couple of hours to let me know what they found out. THE SAME DAY. I was a little stunned, thinking it was pretty amazing to get that prompt of a reply. She informed me that it did look like an infection, and that the area was swollen to about twice normal size. She gave me a really strong antibiotic, so strong that she even told me that I should see improvement within 4 hours of the first dose. And sure enough, she was right. I took that first dose at 8:00 the next morning and by noon the spot on my neck was magnitudes better. I’m thinking “I’m out of the woods!” I mean, after 10 days of these babies, I should be back to my old self and maybe get this whole mess behind me, right? Hmmmmm….

Those 10 days came and went, and wouldn’t you know it, I felt pretty dang good. No pain in the neck (well, I was still a pain the neck of course), and while I wasn’t exactly back to my old self, I was… well, better. I certainly thought the worst was behind me. The PA actually called me to see how I was feeling, and I excited to let her know that I was indeed feeling a lot better. She mentioned that I would probably get a follow-up ultrasound just to be sure the medicine did it’s job and that way we could clear out the case and move on with our lives. I said that’d be just fine with me, and I proceeded to get that done later that same day. I didn’t get a call that night, so again I’m thinking I’m good to go. Then the next morning came.

My phone rings and although I didn’t recognize the number, it was local so I answered. “Am I speaking with Mr. Jonathon Willis?” “Um, yes, who’s calling please?” “This is Dr. (so-and-so) from the Vanderbilt office here in Brentwood. I’m looking at your ultrasound report from yesterday. First, how are you feeling?” “Actually, I’m felling pretty good. Better than I’ve felt in quite some time actually.” “That’s good to hear. I’m calling because the area we looked at is actually a little larger than it was when we first scanned it last week. So we’d like to do a CT scan to see if we can get a little more detail and maybe figure out what’s going on in there.” Well, dang! And here I was thinking I was in the clear. Bummer. “Umm, sure I can get that done. When do you need that? I’ve got time tomorrow afternoon.” “Well, Mr. Willis, we really need to get this done today if at all possible.” Yeah, that’s not exactly making feel all warm and fuzzy. BUMMER. “Ok, I’ll be sure to call up there and get that scheduled for this afternoon.” Another phone call comes later that night around 8:00. “Yes, Mr. Willis, this is Dr. (so-and-so) again. I received your CT scan results and it looks like we’re going to get a biopsy done as soon as possible.” Yup, it’s getting really real, really fast. MAJOR BUMMER.

This has all happened within two weeks of my initial visit to the clinic. Needless to say, my head is beginning to spin at this point. So much to process in a very short amount of time, while at the same time very little information has been given to actually have the right questions, much less any answers.

So what exactly IS the moral of this entry I teased at the beginning? It’s simply this: listen to your body. I know it sounds silly and simple, but if you’re truly honest with yourself, you can definitely tell the difference between “not feeling well” and “not feeling right“. That Monday morning after attempting simple yard work, I woke up knowing I definitely did not feel RIGHT. Regardless of what it may or may not be, it usually isn’t going away by itself. So, please know your body, listen to it, and if necessary, get it checked out!

And so the journey continues, and it actually gets more interesting, next time…

A new year with new challenges…

Wow! So 2016 was quite an interesting year, I’m sure everyone would agree, right? I mean, we had the craziest election in decades, we lost so many celebrities, and THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES! On a personal level, my oldest son moved out of the house and also turned 21!!! My middle son got a job and his driver’s license. My 15-yr-old daughter got a job, AND still has it!! For the 23rd straight year, my wonderful and lovely wife didn’t kick me out of the house (Thanks, babe!).  What a whirlwind…

Oh, and I also found out I have cancer.

Bummer.

And of course, being the typical redhead, it ain’t yer typical cancer. Go figure! As I write this, it’s been almost 2 months to the day that I had my first appointment with my oncologist. Since that time, 3 pathologists – including 2 from Vanderbilt – have looked at my tissue sample and the best they’ve come up with is “Yup. That’s cancer. Not sure what kind, or where it started, but it’s definitely cancer.” Ummm… thanks guys! (To be fair, I could be paraphrasing just a wee bit.) What we do know so far is that it has reared its ugly self in my thyroid and in my chest between the lung and the trachea. It’s not lung cancer – which is nice. And we think (“we” being my oncologist, as I have absolutely no medical training whatsoever) that it’s not thyroid cancer, because the tumor they removed from my thyroid ain’t the kind of tumor that starts in the thyroid. So what we have here is a “place holder” diagnosis of Stage IV Mucinous Carcinoma with no known origin – which is a fancy way of saying “we don’t really know what this is just yet, but it’s definitely cancer, and it’s stage IV.” Fortunately, and miraculously, they’ve been busy coming up with some pretty dang clever tests in recent years that can help nail this thing down. These test results are the ones we’ve been waiting on for almost six weeks now. Hopefully, they’re going to give us some answers that will help drive what kind of treatment I’ll be starting in the coming weeks, as well as some idea as to what the prognosis is. (I’m betting it’s pretty good!)

So, why bring all of this up for the whole world to know about? Well, fear not. I will likely be sparing you all of the “juicy” details of my journey. However, this is wonderful therapy for me, and I get to control the dissemination of information. More importantly, I have the honor and responsibility to put on public display how the hand of God is forever present in all of our lives, yes even through cancer and all of the pain and emotions that go with it. This is also going to serve as a journal of catharsis, a place for me to in which to “dump” my frustrations and tribulations during this ordeal, so that I can look back and see “one set of footprints” during the bad days and weeks. I don’t believe in accidents, coincidences, or luck, and my story – no matter how it ends – will be an example of this.

So yes, I’m starting the new year with a new blog. (It will have it’s own page on my site, because it’s probably bad PR to make CANCER the first thing someone sees when your site is primarily rooted in music.) It won’t be a daily blog. I’m not that big of a narcissist to assume anyone would be that interested. But I will update it as I see fit, and it will be all over the place with regard to content. Those who know me well also know that I’ve got a pretty healthy and well-honed sense of humor, and  you can all sigh with relief that it is still firmly intact! There will likely be a mix of laughter, sadness, disbelief and anger – sometimes all at once. I am prepping my first “official” entry and will post it soon. I am also using this time to write some new music, so be watching for that in the near future. (This whole thing has provided some pretty heavy creative inspiration.)

In the meantime, I would appreciate your prayers and well-wishes as we move forward in this journey. I haven’t the words to properly convey just how overwhelmingly blessed I am to have the friends and family God has given me. Please know that I can sense your prayers and I am comforted knowing that you are there.